No Going Back

You can traipse and flutter along the line between friendship and lovers but once you make the leap a cross the line in the sand there is no jumping back. You can no more undo the nights full of loving than you can the bitter taste of endings which come by surprise.

Long gone are friendly lunch time conversations about your sports and the  art work he keeps cloistered from those who only see the macho-man persona of his exterior. I was once that quiet shy girl who lingered on every word you spoke, thinking you hung the moon.

Solitary Musings.

I am adrift
bereft and alone
floating on the abyss
of loneliness,
wishing I had someone
to call my own.
A place to call home,
not to be alone.
I am a stranger,
even to myself
Lost and broken,
wishing I was whole.

what I won't do again

live with a man that isn't related to me or my husband,
have gratuitous sex,
settle for less than I want,
confide in new friends,
waste my time, money, or peace of mind trying to make someone love or like me,
give up on God's plan for my life,
say what my child cannot do,
take love, friendship nor people for granted,
have sex on the first night/date.

the aftermath and the loss that lingers

This is not a tale full of light, funny singledom pursuits, but rather one of tears and loss and real life.
It happened one Thursday evening. I was so happy with the news and giddy with thoughts of the future. Everything was shiny and new again.

Then I felt it, a stabbing sensation and I knew something was wrong. I cried, prayed and pleaded that all was well, that is until I saw the blood. Dark and menacing it poured from me, taking with it my joy and peace of mind. Where moments before was bliss, now was melancholic sorrow. I thought to myself that this is the end, of he and I, of our created child, of innocently believing our disobedience has no consequences.

We lost the baby.

I miscarried. Alone in my bedroom, blood-streaked dreams dissipated and leaked from me. Barren and bereft, I wept.

him

I wonder. When a man meets a new woman who he really vibes with, does he fast forward and say, "Is she the one?" Is this purely a female phenomenon? I don't know a single woman in my world that doesn't. I have been guilty too many times. I did it this past weekend as a matter of fact. I looked Mr. New in the eyes and let my mind wander... I am not sure I could enter into anything vaguely relationship-like without thinking it could end up somewhere significant.

Is that my fatal flaw? I wonder if I was looking for something temporary, if he would appear in my life. where ever he is, what ever he is doing, I wonder if he isn't looking at the same sunset I am wondering about me. It's not likely, but a girl can imagine. Only thing i know is that i cannot wait to meet him. To experience that last first kiss, the long walk down the aisle, the first cry of our second child (already got sweet pea.)

I want to have babies, and experience the joy of waiting for the arrival of a child that was planned and wanted by both of us. I cry in the dark sometimes and wonder how long until i meet him. Do i know him already? Are we slowly working our way to each other? (it sure as hell isn't happening rapidly...) What am I being prepared for. How will I know him when I meet him? Will the love come in a tidal wave or in a drizzle?

Lord, wherever he may be tonight, send him on his way to me, I'll try to be ready for him, meet him half way!

One sunday at sunset

Is it possible to know the moment in which love begins, or the instant in which one has ended. Rationally I don't think so, but my heart says that a woman always knows. Deep down I know my heart is right.

When he walked back into my life years ago I knew nothing would be easy. It was unexpected and we fell hard and fast. That sort of love never ends well. Emotions are too intense. They are too hard to sustain. We made an effort for longer than I expected, but not as long as I wanted.

The end, was an ambiguous event, that puttered back and forth over the course of six months. We would act like everything was the same, but inside we both new we were pretending. We didn't talk the way we used to. I realized one night that he held me differently, like he had to, not like he wanted to. Then it hit me, there's no affection and there hasn't been in a long time. We don't kiss. We can be apart a month and when we see each other again, there's no kiss.

That realization made me sad. Where had it gone? I loved him and was losing him. The worst part is that I new there was nothing I could do about it. He would leave me, and we might never talk again. I can just imagine us meeting again five years down the line and not speaking. My god, we have known each other for half a lifetime. If I would have known i was risking a friendship, i am not sure I would have taken the gamble.

The definitive moment, came one August afternoon, which should have been a loving homecoming. I was ready to celebrate and welcome him home. Then it hit me, he didn't have any baggage, wasn't unpacking.... he had been here a while and never even thought to let me know.

It was the end of us, the culmination of a relationship.... the end is a bitter and sour taste in my mind and leaves a sense of loss and longing in my heart. I wonder where love goes to die, mine happened at a lonely Sunday sunset.

Good night my love, good night M., good night. And that whole "better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" is bullshit.

Inagural Post

Come on in and have a seat.

Today I have spent the day reading, laughing and loving. All were enjoyable. So much so that I think I shall spend tomorrow in the same fashion, just not with the same book, comic nor man. They say variety is the spice of life. I am hanging on like hot sauce on macaroni and cheese then.

Life is getting interesting of late. It surely isn't always like this. It has its lulls and peaks. This week seems to be on an upswing.

I have run across old loves. Too many, not enough? I am not sure. The past brings mixed emotions. It was long enough ago for Nostalgia, but not long enough ago to forget. Therein lies the crux of the issue. What to do? Usually I let things remain as they were before he came ambling back into my world after a time out. Invariably life has improved since his departure, and still my ass has taken him back... (the proverbial him it would be) and more than once. Today I am doing better. I resisted him and all his heartfelt memory inspired hopes for the future. I need to look ahead and keep up my resolve for tomorrow.


I hope Dana Gilmore can help me remember when the nostalgia creeps in again, she'll be there.